“Never Gonna Give You Up is not a bad song.”

“There’s this one dude that use to hit on me when I was a sophomore and he was a graduate and now he’s a regular at my Starbucks <3″

“I sleep with socks on and I don’t know why it’s so bad”

“I be peein in the sink and no one knows.”

“I lost the game :)”

“I was pissed my sister used all my soap in the shower so I sprayed all of her shaving cream down the drain”

“I used to be able to shoot a bow and arrow with my toes as a kid”

“One time I saw black ice on the driveway and thought ‘my brother is gonna slip on that.’ I didn’t say anything. He slipped and got a concussion.”

“Last week, my parents gave me their weekly homophobia talk and immediately afterwards I left to go make out with my partner”